| evening bells |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|12:12 am] |
two pitchers of margaritas and a DavidByrne concert later and the world feels a bit better. the ExtraActionettes helped too.
wooty!
tomorrow: puppies! |
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| the catch |
[Jun. 8th, 2009|09:49 pm] |
so here's the big things (as catching up is difficult and i've not been in the head space to share):
a few months ago i had my one year anniversary at the BigHouse - was fun and totally unexpected to get a delicious lemon cake with all kinds of fruit on top from the Domina. i am still quite enjoying being here, and have changed a lot from the experience. not only am i delving into a world that completes me, but i am more confident, have an amazing support network, and feel like what i am doing is right. it just feels ...good. i must, however, get out more and do this in public, yes.
a month ago i had my birthday, another one of those milestone digits. wine tasting, friends in town (!!), my very own sub session with 8 girls paid for by a dear slave, beautiful flowers and metal butt toys, champagne and love. it was a good one, for certain, an uplifting few weeks that will keep me humming for a while.
last month my sister's cancer spread from her lymph nodes, to her liver, to her brain. after chemo and two experimental drug trials, the tumor in her brain hemorrhaged. after surgery and half a week in the ICU i found out (great thing to learn when calling one's Mum for M-Day, no?) fuck. in any case, the hemorrhage was removed, along with the tumor - she's all healed and not having headaches anymore, go technology. she is still, however, dying from cancer. how many surgeries and treatments does one go through before deciding when to stop? at what point is that?
last week there was another round of layoffs from work. we knew it was coming for weeks. which is more annoying, knowing for weeks so one may prepare and living with a constant sense of dread, or getting chopped quick? they both seem inhumane. all i need is another stranger slashing at the strings, really. they did most of the 20% reduction in the beginning of the week. yay, it's all done! unless, of course, if one is on vacation whilst. just when you think you're out and clear, you come back from your vacation and are laid off. my boss was cut mid-week after coming back from a long weekend. i was tossed his reports, so am now managing two departments. interesting, but shaking change.
recently i've taken over scheduling spay/neutering for the rescue - a bit more involved than i had assumed, but rewarding. i've been having puppy sleepovers every once and a while for some of the rescue dogs. extra snuggle time + dogs + chicken treat = woot! i've noticed patterns of gathering "life" around myself as of late. it makes sense, as there are definitely things i need to deal with that are completely out of my control - helping something/solving issues elsewhere may balance things out? i have no clue, i've been on autopilot for so long, i am just going with it. i'm with the flow, man. |
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| at least something |
[Jan. 7th, 2009|07:20 pm] |
here is another one of those crap entries where i just do a big list of things that are going on lately - maybe just stuff in my head, on my mind, like a fucking vice...
but whatever, let's go.
first things first. my eldest sister started chemo today for pretty hopeless stage 4 melanoma. she is in a way experimental T-cell program at the Natn'l Cancer Institute in DC - next week she will have no immune system at all. this is insane.
i may be flying to DC around the 20th to see her.
we adopted the dog we've been fostering over the holidays - our new year pup. shes cute - a Boston Terrier - Miss Tlz, Tilly, Bitch-Pie, CumBucket... a mysterious little mangey (lit.) dog of many names. she peed in the house last night. we get to go to the vet tomorrow (unrelated.) i'm happy to have a dog, iz awesome!
i may have written about that before, but hey, it's positive.
my hand smells like pussy. it smells like my pussy, that's right, oh yeah.
enough for now. they may just be little lists, but at least it is some type of communication. |
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| adoption |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|06:51 pm] |
please listen to Marsmobil - interesting electronic lounge-y stuff with awesome female voice. even some French...
just do it, i guarantee.
*heart all*
(btw, we just adopted our foster dog Tlz, who lived through the Mange and a few eye surgeries ...with us. merry frackin xmas *smile* |
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| gobble gobble? |
[Nov. 29th, 2008|12:38 pm] |
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i am going to Spanksgiving tonight - interesting... |
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| vent |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|11:59 am] |
holy crap.
the Boston we are fostering, Tills, went into emergency eye surgery on Tuesday (the same day we were moving.) we have been medicating her every hour (even through the evening) for over a week. we are exhausted.
this with the move and on top of everything else.
this morning she got at her eye and ripped out the stitches (corneal flap surgery) so it was another emergency morning and an eye socket leaking blood. i opened it and saw the rip - i will not forget that. we do not know if she'll be able to keep the eye at this point or not. she was to at least see shadows, but now?
tonight we'll pick her up and finish packing and moving from the old place, right up to the line.
my Sither with the baby is bugging me for visits.
my Sis with the cancer is shipping off to Maryland for 3 months of intense experimental chemo treatment, her kids have for the moment been divided up in-between local friends. she is only 6 years older than me - we are all so fatal.
my Mum put my Dad on a waiting list for a care home - he is going in as soon as someone else ...dies.
i need some fucking sleep.
and a beer.
or three.
and a hug.
or ten.
i refuse to go back to Pgh for the holidays, not with Dad and Mum.
hard to avoid the anvils and pianos when so tired.
power through. call people. reach out. sleep. |
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| update. |
[Oct. 20th, 2008|07:09 pm] |
i am in that state again where i feel unable to write as i have a hard time organizing my thoughts into any coherency. i am going to list things and be done with this catching up shit.
my sister has melanoma. this i knew before, but we had thought it removed. stage 1 no biggie, right? now it is terminal. she has 4 kids - what the hell are they going to do? familial things, i do not know where i stand. do i move to Atlanta and help? do we move everything, or does tt stay here for a bit? what is my responsibility?
my other sister has just given birth here in SF. she is reaching out, terrified of motherhood. i go over, we talk. am i giving enough support? what is my responsibility?
my Dad has not taken a bath/shower/washed in... a year. my mum takes care of him in the burgh, all by herself. care homes are too expensive - his insurance won't cover it unless he is incompetent. she asked me to come home to help, so she can go help my cancerous sister. what is my responsibility?
we are in the process of moving across the Bay, have just signed a lease, and are excited about the space. i feel guilty and unsettled. i am nervous about Halloween (of all things.) i have a headache, a mangey puppy and a lot to pack.
i also have the bestest husband in the whole world.
thank fucking dog. |
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| a little me time (mini me!) |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|08:11 am] |
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this is the first morning in quite a while that i've been able to close the curtains, light up the candles and put on the music just for me. |
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| silos |
[Jul. 28th, 2008|09:46 pm] |
Havana is at this very moment sleeping on top of our rescue Tilly. come on!
i have this inability to present another "me" - i always end up the same, even though my intentions may vary. i also have a hard time separating certain aspects of my life. everything runs together in bootland.
take it or fuckoff, i guess. |
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| and boy are my wings tired - wakka wakka. |
[Jul. 27th, 2008|11:57 pm] |
from my flight:
i'm drunk.
right now, i'm so in love with you!
and i don't want to think too much
...about what we should or shouldn't do...
it is possible that i am drunk. the steward has fed me bloody until i burst - i sip and sip, the skye icing me unthinking, and this book, "The God of Small Things" at my hip, halfway through, lapping at its banks.
i am almost 3,000mi. away from my love,
from his brother and father's chokes and sniffs,
from the ashes - moved to the bedroom dresser as a matter of principle, of course,
from the aunts (a silent presence throughout),
from toes toe-ing each other, attempting to fill up a Mum-shaped hole with... feelings.
he will be home Tuesday after the ash-placing ceremony thingy.
my relation is to this amazing boy who stops me with a glance, this beautiful boy with his wild hair and restless knuckles, this one secretly licking his lips for cold bottled coffee and sweets, with lashes and kitten whiskers on his cheeks. i was there after the call, the surprise ending. i was there to pack up Mum's clothes and things, and for the Dad narrated tour to the thrift and back, leaving all that she ever wore in 40gal bags (listing for tax write-offs of course) just inside the door among other bags and bags - who else's wardrobe ended up there that day?
(later i spied the same dress i had carefully packed and listed and abandoned, in a wedding photo - Mum and Bob, a toast over the cake.)
what is this loss? this feeling? i feel an emptiness in the air, and a thorough confusion. nothing i say makes sense or even comes close to anything. i don't get it - can't understand - and am as dumbfounded as anyone else. |
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| back |
[Jul. 27th, 2008|04:37 pm] |
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heading back to SF after a family-filled Pgh weekend. found out one of my Aunts died a few weeks ago. so odd, people just come and go. who is the third? |
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| update - |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|12:40 pm] |
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heading out to Pgh tomorrow afternoon... |
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| waiting |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|11:10 am] |
i couldn't sleep at all last night
(doot doot doodoo doot.)
...neither could tt.
i have not heard anything positive.
waiting for his call. |
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| airplanes take you away again... |
[Jul. 20th, 2008|10:26 pm] |
tt is flying to Pgh tonight/tomorrow AM. his Mum went into the hospital ICU earlier today after a surprise surgery. i may or may not be joining him in the next week or so for a funeral.
think good Mum thoughts and keep crossed, k? |
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| Dodging for Pylons! |
[Jul. 19th, 2008|09:42 pm] |
Saturday night and what am i up to? hangin' on the couch with the kitties.
tt is upstairs sleeping off anxiety (his mum is in the hospital, again.)
i am restless.
the sexy strappy sandals (Aldo) i received from freecycle are strappy indeed, unfortunately they are falling apart and not nearly as cute as i had hoped. stab in the darkness, i know, but why not try - after all, a workingrrl can always use a pair of black strappy sandals, no? well, not these ones in any case. i have spent a bit on outfit stuffs for job2, but cuteness is key. hard it is for me to walk into a room like a badass - hard, yes. outfits help. i am currently working on a medical theme for a new photo shoot (look for cute nurse (??) pictures in your future.) i wish i did not look at pictures of myself and see only flaws. confidence, i'm building it.
this is so
disjointed.
but i am forcing myself to write out some stuff anyhoo - bear.
my plan to off to the gym on days that i do not work has been totally foiled (foiled i say!) by my current busy schedule. i brought home my gym bag from work to re-pack, just in case. i will i will i will. the knee is holding steady and only aches every few days... as i am now running up stairs on a regular basis, this is GREAT! WUNDERBAR! FANTASTIC! i will celebrate by, well, hangin' on the couch with the kitties. Come On! this is my only night to myself for a long long time, aside, i ran today.
ran?
Dodging for Pylons! a new reality show in which contenders run out to pick up/fix/replace pylons in intricate patterns while cars squeal through the "gates" or "chicanes" every 20 or so seconds. it certainly encourages a good sprint when one has a couple thousand pounds of pure Porsche hammering toward. yes. i *heart* AutoX. video coming soon! i put the microphone directly aside the mid-engine - there are hopes for intense and throbbing revs. the HD video should be sweet too? *hope*
so hard
to write here
after
such an absence.
i have been posting more entries in my Mistress journal, but who does not like to write about sexish stuff? i seem to have time for little else.
in conjunction with writing tangental pithy phrases, i am thinking on waking up the Mr.
yes! |
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| update at the Zzzzzoooooo! |
[Jul. 2nd, 2008|06:24 pm] |
i have a little Niko-shaped hole in my heart. we adopted him out on Sunday to a great home with a Puggle playmate, and it is all and good, but it fucking hurts.
we still have the mostly-hairless (shay haz the Mange) Boston - i swear i really think she will be dead the next time i go to pet her... over and over. pretty stressful.
i am adopting out the three gluttonous catfish... time for something more enjoyable. |
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| shitting rainbows and sunbeams |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|12:46 pm] |
last week was Maiden, live Pr0n female wrestling, puppy rescue, and REM. quite exciting and fantastic. lots of smiling, you know the deal. happy happy.
and then there is the piano.
always a piano.
the police car parked outside our house was odd, stranger still was that he was waiting for us. it was the dog, our Niko, barking and barking - the neighbors had complained.
sorry sir, won't happen again sir, yadda yadda, and it was inside for a little talk. after months of frustration with the dog/cat situation, and various other conflicts/feelings cried out at length, we finally gave up the ghost. Niko just is not working out and our cats are miserable and have been since his arrival. we have decided to adopt him out to another home.
as i volunteer at a rescue organization (where he came from) i will be able to hand-pick his new family. we will foster him until that happens. now that he is trained and pretty-much well behaved, he'll have a great home in no time.
but it hurts like fuck.
and i hate it.
we made a mistake and our cats have been through hell. it sucks.
at least the other pup, the one with the skin condition, is looking a little better. we'll have her for a while yet, as she has not yet feasted on enough souls to realize her true daemon form. we'll have our zoo a bit longer.
we may be down to just the three cats before we have to move.
ugh. |
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| superhero fetish? |
[May. 26th, 2008|08:28 pm] |
my general theme as of late has been pretty positive, although bizarre. i have been observing how i interact with people, being the introspective i am, and have found some things to work on. again, always a pleasure. strangely, one of the things i do not think i need to change at the moment is my morphing sense of morality. i want to get in there with all five senses and just get nasty. i have a new prospect, and although tt and schng. warn me on associating with liars, i am drawn. i am a gullible fool, and naive, but i believe that i am not to be lied to, solidly. why i believe this? not sure, must process further.
it is difficult to be a superhero or a saint, but even moreso to fight one's true nature. even as i meet new groups of people, i find myself unable to present myself differently - i somehow always end up as the same old me. i am tired of weakness, self-confession, self-doubt and dulness. how annoying i am to myself.
i really think someone should come to the house with a superhero fetish. how awesome would that be?
this weekend tt and i have taken in one of the bostons from the rescue. she has something not quite right about her hips when she walks, and about 99% of her body is hairless and covered with scabs from a non-contagious version of mange. i have nicknamed her skeletor, zombie dog, and that grody dog from ResidentEvil, Cerberus.
her ribs are not showing through her skin, but you get the idea. not taking any actual pics of her though - this is something i do not particularly want to remember in detail. her owner, whoeverthefuck, dumped her off at a shelter once her whole body had lost its hair - months of scratching and suffering just to be put on the euthanasia list. "dumping" is so common with breeder dogs - wtf?
luckily our rescue is called when a small dog comes in, especially bostons. tt and i have taken her on for the weekend, as there are two sets of newborn pups there and we felt we could help out at least temporarily. we have decided to keep her on through the rest of this short workweek. she has had some good food, meds and individuated love - and is showing much progress... a few spots of her body are starting to break through with a bit of peach fuzz. exciting! |
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| a warm |
[May. 18th, 2008|08:43 pm] |
how i felt with my tt this weekend:
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